i put bandaids on my nipples when i wear thin shirts.
it works.
before i discovered bandaids, i would poke my nipples back in each time i got into an empty elevator. now, i can use that time to dig my thong out of my ass or scratch myself. i hope they don't have video cameras in there.
i had bandaids on my nipples today. they were getting kind of itchy so i ripped them off which, in turn, has made my soldiers come to full attention and have not gone down since - that was an hour ago.
my boss has come to my office three times. i almost want to apologize because when you see someone with their sexual parts sticking out, you automatically think of them sexually. for example, when i was in high school, there was a coach who appeared to be smuggling a large throw pillow in his testicular region. and he always sat on a stool at the front of the classroom with his legs open. in his defense, i don't think he was physically capable of closing them. that was my math class and i still don't get the pythagorean theorum because the day we learned it, this girl michol turned to me and whispered, "coach got bull balls" and for the rest of the class, i thought about coach having unintentionally absuive sex with his poor wife and also frolicking through a field with his pendulum balls wacking the weeds as he merrily went. don't act like you don't think the same thing. so my point is that when you see people's stuff that is related to their no-no's, it is impossible not to think about them sexually whether you want to or not.
sometimes, when i am in boring meetings that i get invited to only because it would "be a good opportunity for you to listen, but don't participate" because my boss doesn't want me looking like a total douchepump in front of everyone, i will just sit there and put in order who i would do it with. if there are 14 guys and 2 women, i will put them in order of who i would bang even if i have no desire to bang any of them. sometimes i try to tell myself that it is gross and i am not going to do it and then i tell myself, "but you HAVE TO bang someone. you HAVE to or you will never find a pair of good-fitting jeans EVER. AGAIN." so i do it. because i have to. sometimes the women are not even the last two, depending on the crowd. sometimes i say something like, "well, he can be number three as long as he stays in back so i don't actually have to look at his face".
you do it too. don't lie.
it works.
before i discovered bandaids, i would poke my nipples back in each time i got into an empty elevator. now, i can use that time to dig my thong out of my ass or scratch myself. i hope they don't have video cameras in there.
i had bandaids on my nipples today. they were getting kind of itchy so i ripped them off which, in turn, has made my soldiers come to full attention and have not gone down since - that was an hour ago.
my boss has come to my office three times. i almost want to apologize because when you see someone with their sexual parts sticking out, you automatically think of them sexually. for example, when i was in high school, there was a coach who appeared to be smuggling a large throw pillow in his testicular region. and he always sat on a stool at the front of the classroom with his legs open. in his defense, i don't think he was physically capable of closing them. that was my math class and i still don't get the pythagorean theorum because the day we learned it, this girl michol turned to me and whispered, "coach got bull balls" and for the rest of the class, i thought about coach having unintentionally absuive sex with his poor wife and also frolicking through a field with his pendulum balls wacking the weeds as he merrily went. don't act like you don't think the same thing. so my point is that when you see people's stuff that is related to their no-no's, it is impossible not to think about them sexually whether you want to or not.
sometimes, when i am in boring meetings that i get invited to only because it would "be a good opportunity for you to listen, but don't participate" because my boss doesn't want me looking like a total douchepump in front of everyone, i will just sit there and put in order who i would do it with. if there are 14 guys and 2 women, i will put them in order of who i would bang even if i have no desire to bang any of them. sometimes i try to tell myself that it is gross and i am not going to do it and then i tell myself, "but you HAVE TO bang someone. you HAVE to or you will never find a pair of good-fitting jeans EVER. AGAIN." so i do it. because i have to. sometimes the women are not even the last two, depending on the crowd. sometimes i say something like, "well, he can be number three as long as he stays in back so i don't actually have to look at his face".
you do it too. don't lie.
posted by Ev at 3:52 PM
7 Comments:
If I played this little game I might like meetings better. Note to self...
totally play that game too. my version is that someone is going to come in and announce, "ok everybody, now we're going to pair up for the orgy." so you have to be fast and pick who you're going to do it with otherwise you'll get stuck with someone repellent. it helps if you sit close to the hot interns because you can pick them faster if they're nearer
I never understood why big fat coaches ran around in shorts all day.. they had offices, they could change... and it's not like they were working out... they just were trying to hang onto a lost youth.
At meetings, I'm always trying to figure out why all these people keep trying to stop me from getting any work done... Is it because it makes them look bad.... or if it's an important meeting I'm usually trying to stop myself from choking someone.
nessa...
see? it isn't that i am sick. it's called coping. everyone should do it. except for the people i attend meetings with because they do not need to be picturing me naked. gross.
tinyhangs...
you are obviously an amatuer at this game. i can tell because you sit next to the interns. i always go for the older dudes. they pay more attention and know their way around a woman's body. that's why i made up my only-from-the-back rule. that way i don't have to look at them and they can still rock my world. the young guys are usually further down on the list because my laziness factor plays a role. if i wanted to direct traffic, i would have been a streetlight.
eric...
1. they are the Coach brand shorts! they are usually red or some other bright color and are made of a material that allows bulges to bulges. it really doesn't hold anything back. inappropriate, if you ask me.
2. you need to think about sex more. would make your meetings go a lot better.
you forget that i'm one of the older dudes now
hands - too bad they only want the young hot interns
-ev
I used to have fantasies of banging all the girls in my high school biology class over the beakers and inside of those giant sinks that they have. I would always imagine pausing the world, putting them in sexual positions, and then playing the world again, and they would get right into it. I sure was a sick fuck. I miss that guy.
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