my best friend from college/former roommate never farted in front of me - she always ran for the bathroom. not that i wanted her to do it all the time, but after you live with someone for 3 years, you expect to hear an accidental slip every now and then. never. she was just very ladylike. meanwhile, i would chase her around the house and make her smell my various bodyparts. she got married a year ago to a great guy from alabama. she called me awhile back with exciting news that went something like this, "i figured out how to pass gas without making any noise!! you just spread your buttcheeks apart and it just goes like poooof!!"
i try to hold onto some aspect of femininity when i am at home with my boyfriend and i honestly try not to exhaust my bowels around him (at one point in high school, i had the nickname harley for 3 weeks) so i adopted this technique. not to brag, but i am somewhat of a master now of the cheekspread.
so i was sitting on the back patio with my boyfriend and his dog and we are talking and my boyfriend is digging in his nose. so i look away to give him some privacy and when i look back, the dog is licking his finger.
me: um...did you just feed the dog your booger??
him: yeah. so? he likes them.
i was disgusted. he is picking his nose and feeding it to the dog right in front of me and he acts like it is nothing! i mean, i spread my asscheeks for this man!!
so, of course, i had a polite conversation persuading him not to that went something like this:
"QUIT FEEDING THE DOG BOOGERS! THAT IS FUCKING GROSS!!"
so he quit.
a couple of weeks later, we were sitting outside again and, again, he is trophy hunting. then he tries to flick it. it stays on his finger. he tries again. no luck. he rolls it around. flick. no good. i curled my lip. ewe. i watched him do it for about 5 minutes before i said, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! JUST FEED IT TO THE DAMN DOG!"
i try to hold onto some aspect of femininity when i am at home with my boyfriend and i honestly try not to exhaust my bowels around him (at one point in high school, i had the nickname harley for 3 weeks) so i adopted this technique. not to brag, but i am somewhat of a master now of the cheekspread.
so i was sitting on the back patio with my boyfriend and his dog and we are talking and my boyfriend is digging in his nose. so i look away to give him some privacy and when i look back, the dog is licking his finger.
me: um...did you just feed the dog your booger??
him: yeah. so? he likes them.
i was disgusted. he is picking his nose and feeding it to the dog right in front of me and he acts like it is nothing! i mean, i spread my asscheeks for this man!!
so, of course, i had a polite conversation persuading him not to that went something like this:
"QUIT FEEDING THE DOG BOOGERS! THAT IS FUCKING GROSS!!"
so he quit.
a couple of weeks later, we were sitting outside again and, again, he is trophy hunting. then he tries to flick it. it stays on his finger. he tries again. no luck. he rolls it around. flick. no good. i curled my lip. ewe. i watched him do it for about 5 minutes before i said, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! JUST FEED IT TO THE DAMN DOG!"
posted by Ev at 2:16 PM
6 Comments:
I was watching a documentary about African tribes and I kept noticing that they never swatted the flies away from their noses. There the flies were, swarming in and out of their noses, constantly, continuously. It was disturbing to say the least. So I did some research and discovered that they have some of the cleanest noses in the world. Those flies work magic. But I have to say, if given the choice to let flies swarm my nose or feed my buggers to your boyfriend's dog, I would go with feeding them to your boyfriend's dog, cuz, well, that just kicks ass!
Your boyfriend and his dog seem well bonded.
You are a comic genius. That is mortifying and hysterical at the same time. I had a guy on the San Fran MUNI bus digging in his damn nose for buried treasure, and I must have moved 2 or 3 cars away from him so as not to be caught in some sort of booger misfire.
I am rolling on the floor in hysterics. I guess I was in the mood for this post :) You're hilarious.
oh, and "booger misfire" from anthony? brilliant.
i just read this out loud to doug... while i thought this post was hilarious the 1st time i read it, its even funnier when i can laugh about it with someone else. it also helps to be just a tad stoned and had far too much vodka for today.
thanks for the laughs.
:)
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