I caught him in 3 lies in the past month about stupid things he shouldn't even be lying to me about. It makes me wonder what else is going on. A couple of other things happened that I am not too comfortable blogging about just yet. Every time I think of them I get completely sick to my stomach and wind up mad again. I am so tired of being angry and hurt.

Things are not the same. I don't feel the same way about him as I did a month ago. He's really trying this time and I am way too skeptical to fall for it right away. I may be Finally Single again here pretty soon. Then maybe I can actually blog about something entertaining. All my fun energy has gone to keeping me from going crazy. It's not working all that great. Why do boys have to be so fucked up?

I found this next to the computer:

1. Validate your feelings

2. Give you reasons to trust me

- NO LYING!

- Be there when you need me

3. Be your friend

Your Best Friend!!!

4. No talking down to by addressing you differently and taking a much sweeter tone

5. Think of your point of view (naturally) Auto-matically

You’re About as Cuddly as a Porcupine

Did you know that I am a good girlfriend? I am. I do laundry. I can make macaroni and cheese and fishsticks. I can hem some muhfukn pants. I shower him with gifts from video games to jockstraps (ok, that one is more for me) to television sets. I am faithful and sweet and I pay extraordinary attention to the balls.

He’s been acting strangely for the past couple of days. He doesn’t want to bone and he’s not very affectionate in other ways either. He’s been irritable and snappy. I don’t know how to deal with it.

This morning I told him that I felt invisible to him. And he ignored me and walked away.
He tends to do this when I have an issue.

It’s the cliché, Guys like bitches and girls like assholes. I could sit here and bitch and ask questions like, Why do guys always say they want a nice girl when they don’t? but I am not going to because I know why.

You teach people how to treat you. People will get away with what you will put up with.

I am a completely different person when I am dating someone than when I am in a relationship. I don’t take any shit from anybody. When I get a boyfriend, I turn into this let-me-please-you pile of mush. It’s pathetic.

I need to quit being so damn easy. I need to pay attention to my own balls.

my best friend from college/former roommate never farted in front of me - she always ran for the bathroom. not that i wanted her to do it all the time, but after you live with someone for 3 years, you expect to hear an accidental slip every now and then. never. she was just very ladylike. meanwhile, i would chase her around the house and make her smell my various bodyparts. she got married a year ago to a great guy from alabama. she called me awhile back with exciting news that went something like this, "i figured out how to pass gas without making any noise!! you just spread your buttcheeks apart and it just goes like poooof!!"

i try to hold onto some aspect of femininity when i am at home with my boyfriend and i honestly try not to exhaust my bowels around him (at one point in high school, i had the nickname harley for 3 weeks) so i adopted this technique. not to brag, but i am somewhat of a master now of the cheekspread.

so i was sitting on the back patio with my boyfriend and his dog and we are talking and my boyfriend is digging in his nose. so i look away to give him some privacy and when i look back, the dog is licking his finger.

me: um...did you just feed the dog your booger??
him: yeah. so? he likes them.

i was disgusted. he is picking his nose and feeding it to the dog right in front of me and he acts like it is nothing! i mean, i spread my asscheeks for this man!!

so, of course, i had a polite conversation persuading him not to that went something like this:

"QUIT FEEDING THE DOG BOOGERS! THAT IS FUCKING GROSS!!"

so he quit.

a couple of weeks later, we were sitting outside again and, again, he is trophy hunting. then he tries to flick it. it stays on his finger. he tries again. no luck. he rolls it around. flick. no good. i curled my lip. ewe. i watched him do it for about 5 minutes before i said, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! JUST FEED IT TO THE DAMN DOG!"

i put bandaids on my nipples when i wear thin shirts.

it works.

before i discovered bandaids, i would poke my nipples back in each time i got into an empty elevator. now, i can use that time to dig my thong out of my ass or scratch myself. i hope they don't have video cameras in there.

i had bandaids on my nipples today. they were getting kind of itchy so i ripped them off which, in turn, has made my soldiers come to full attention and have not gone down since - that was an hour ago.

my boss has come to my office three times. i almost want to apologize because when you see someone with their sexual parts sticking out, you automatically think of them sexually. for example, when i was in high school, there was a coach who appeared to be smuggling a large throw pillow in his testicular region. and he always sat on a stool at the front of the classroom with his legs open. in his defense, i don't think he was physically capable of closing them. that was my math class and i still don't get the pythagorean theorum because the day we learned it, this girl michol turned to me and whispered, "coach got bull balls" and for the rest of the class, i thought about coach having unintentionally absuive sex with his poor wife and also frolicking through a field with his pendulum balls wacking the weeds as he merrily went. don't act like you don't think the same thing. so my point is that when you see people's stuff that is related to their no-no's, it is impossible not to think about them sexually whether you want to or not.

sometimes, when i am in boring meetings that i get invited to only because it would "be a good opportunity for you to listen, but don't participate" because my boss doesn't want me looking like a total douchepump in front of everyone, i will just sit there and put in order who i would do it with. if there are 14 guys and 2 women, i will put them in order of who i would bang even if i have no desire to bang any of them. sometimes i try to tell myself that it is gross and i am not going to do it and then i tell myself, "but you HAVE TO bang someone. you HAVE to or you will never find a pair of good-fitting jeans EVER. AGAIN." so i do it. because i have to. sometimes the women are not even the last two, depending on the crowd. sometimes i say something like, "well, he can be number three as long as he stays in back so i don't actually have to look at his face".

you do it too. don't lie.

so i received some assless chaps in interoffice mail today.

they are black vinyl with some rhinestones sewn into the seams.

i am kind of confused about how exactly to put them on and once i got them on, where i would go. i would imagine if i wore them to the ranch, my inner thighs may get chaffed and i don't even want to think about what would happen to my pickle box.

my boyfriend went to a strip club last week in canada. apparently, the strippers there lick coins and stick them to special body parts and the patrons throw other coins to try to knock the stuck coins off. if a guy knocks a coin off he gets a prize which usually consists of a poster or card that the stripper comes back around and signs.

boyfriend: it is so degrading!

me: how many prizes did you win?

boyfriend: several!!!

he got a prize signed for one of his buddies, "joel, you can drill me anytime, xoxo sugar". the other poster was his that he immediately threw away hid behind the tool box in the garage.

boyfriend: you have to throw $1 and $2 coins. you can't throw quarters.

me: why? because that would be disrespectful?

i am slightly icked out to think my boyfriend wants to participate in this kind of thing. however, i am kind of jealous because i have never seen anything like it before. it may not be that bad right?

so, his next assignment is to show me his moves. i want to see him dance. i am going to lick random things and place them strategically all over his body and pelt him with money. i think it will be fun! we shook on it. i suppose it is a way to spice up our sex life and make me chill out about my boyfriend sticking his face in random vaginas.

he is going to look so hot crawling around on the floor in those assless chaps.

i suppose i should change the name of this blog now considering i am not actually single anymore. i suppose i should remove the picture of my breasts as my avatar considering they now belong to a certain boy. but i am lazy and i will do that later.

i started this blog to track the hilarity that goes along with being single, but as each day passes, i'm finding that being in a relationship has it's own element of what-the-fuck-did-you-just-say funny. and i can't be nearly as graphic as i'd like to be on my other blog because it is read by several relatives and a few co-workers and every now and then i would forget and post about bukake or shitting in my boyfriend's bed and then i would come to work and have everyone stare at me like they did when i returned to work after i drank a bunch of stella artois because i thought it was light but it wasn't and i got wasted and showed my boss how i pinch my nipples in the elevator.

i used to be friends with a guy named kyle. he's married now. but he was pretty rad at one point. i forgot how rad he actually was (is) until now. we were very good friends, but it never "happened" for us. although i am madly in love with my boyfriend, i thought i would share something kyle made for me a few years back. to think that someone put that much work into something for me is amazing. and he knows words! he smartypance! i still confuse my cursive g's and cursive capital j's. shut up.

You are the griddle, I am the meat


What a spectacular weekend!

I marinated* some steaks on Thursday night and slapped them on the grill around 6 Friday night. It was very good to see him considering he'd been in Tennessee all week. After dinner, we went outside and I excused myself and came back out in the aforementioned lingerie (minus the apron) and he reacted better than I could have imagined! When he could finally talk:

He: I'm sorry I was so closed off in the beginning, but I was scared of you. It's scary how perfect you are for me - physically, personality-wise. You're everything I want and I am pretty sure I want to be with you forever.

Me: You realize that, considering the nature of this holiday, you don't have to flatter me to get a bj, right?

That was the beginning of a very very late night with many many glasses of wine. The weather was beautiful. He lives outside of the city so everything was clear. We even took a blanket into his backyard and laid naked under the stars.

I am sure most of you are fighting off throwing up in your mouths right now.

Drink some Mad Dog 20/20. Takes care of that pesky gag reflex.



*Best Steak Marinade Ever Invented - It's the only steak I can enjoy without A1.
2c. orange juice
1c. worstershire sauce
1c. thousand island dressing
2 tbsp. tabasco sause
2 tbsp. minced garlic